Dear Mrs Parmenion,
I'm writing to you from somewhere in sunny southern Italy. Lovely scenery and, if you can get the Companions out of the trough, the wine is quite good too. You mentioned in your last letter that Parmenion Jr wanted to know how daddy was, so I thought I'd pass on my version of Alexander's latest battle...
Well, we finally crossed the great flooded plain and arrived somewhere far to the west of civilisation called `Reading'. The gods rolled the dice and we found ourselves invading a people calling themselves the `Late Romans'. The battlefield was pretty unremarkable- some rough going on the far left and a gentle hill slightly to the left of our centre. The rest of the battlefield was pretty flat and good hunting country.
As ever, Alexander 'Lord of Asia' had yet another bloody hangover and, by the time he rolled out of Hephaestion's bed, the Late Romans had smartly deployed in front of us...I can't remember all the details but in front of our left wing were plenty of fancy foot (AxS/PsO) and some horse archers (LhF). In the centre were lots of tough-looking Legionaries in front of some carts (AxS/BdO/PsO/ArtF) and their head-honcho making a huge performance of getting off his horse and walking into the battle. Facing our right wing was the impressive sight of men totally encased in armour perched on grumpy looking nags and flanked by plenty of decent looking horsemen (KnX/CvO/LhO) with a few more fancy foot (AxO/PsO) to back them up. They all looked well equipped and well paid, though at least there weren't very many of them. Oh, and to their rear was a fortified 'magic' camp.
We stuck to our traditional order of battle (though I see things will change in the near future, because some halfwit back home has insisted we draft a load of incompetent cavalry and some useless Iphikratean peltasts on the next campaign). Anyway, when the Companions finally got out of each other's beds (I swear to you, some of them wear pink pyjamas...) we managed to muster three commands:
1. Alexander: KnF Brill Gen, 5xKnF wedges, 3xLhS, 7xiAxS; 24ME
2. Craterus: CvO Gen, 20xPkO; 24ME
3. Parmenion: CvO Gen, 4xCvO, 3xiLhO, 4xPkS, 5xiAxS, 4xPsS, 4xPsO; 24ME
Alexander `Lord of Asia' told that old flatfoot Craterus to put his phalanx on the hill and for me to deploy on their left. I placed my infantry next to the phalanx and the Thessalians and Thracian light horse on the left wing. Since there were no significant terrain features on the field, I left the psiloi at the rear (much to their disgust). Anyway, that left Goldenballs himself to deploy his Thracian infantry on the right of the phalanx. The Companions deployed in a long line on their right, looking distinctly pale after last nights drinking contest, with the similarly hungover Prodromoi on the far right to hold the end of the line and trying not to throw up.
Then the conference to hear what masterstroke our leader has devised.... Now old king Phil always told us that having a cunning plan is the most important part of the battle. He'd be spinning in his tomb to hear his son declare `Holy Zeus, what the hell was I drinking last night?....Parmenion, take the initiative on the left, Craterus, plod forward with the phalanx while I wait for the Ibuprofen to kick in. Can I have a glass of water please?' Inspiring stuff, I think you'll agree.
The Romans made the first move and their whole line advanced in what they seemed to hope would be an unstoppable wave....
As usual Craterus showed precious little initiative, but managed to march off the hill and towards the lines of Auxilia Palatina. Alexander and his Companions just stood around drinking coffee and asking everyone to keep the noise down. At least the Prodromoi had the good sense to begin to shuffle off towards the Roman LhO on the far right to avoid being outflanked.
I decided to rush my mounted troops around the Roman flank while they were transfixed by Craterus' mob of pikes. Say what you like about the Greeks, those Thessalians know their business, and we were soon sweeping round the bewildered Romans. My Thracian infantry and pikemen swung around with the main phalanx and together they began
to bear down on the line of very nervous looking Auxilia Palatina....
Since I was fully occupied winning the glory, I only found out what the `Lord of Asia' was up to after the battle. The Roman legionaries had advanced and were dragging those carts with the catapults on them into the gap between Alexander's Thracians and the Companions. Well that began to sober up Alexander...the Romans were unpacking the ballista bolts and drooling slightly...The next thing you know, rather than charging to glory like a true Macedonian, Goldenballs declares a brilliant stroke and the nine squadrons of Companions and Prodromoi tiptoe neatly to the right and out of range like some sort of cheap circus act. I could have died of shame. And all in front of the Roman cavalry as well. There were hoots of derision from the spectators and I don't think the boys will ever live it down...
Anyway, at about this time, the Auxilia Palatina charged the phalanx waving their pathetic short swords and hoping to get a quick kill. The Phalanx ploughed right over them, crushing them underfoot with little loss... My Thracians lapped around the end of the Roman line killing the remaining Auxilia who were prevented from recoiling by their own General, who was desperately trying to fend off a determined thrust by a squadron of Thessalians. The Roman horse
archers had bolted rather than face us head on, and the command rapidly became disheartened and then broke... We were through! With a great cheer the phalanx began to wheel into the Roman central command.... our Thracian light horse were in reach of the Roman baggage and those rampant Thessalian Greeks were eyeing the rears of Roman units with a rather disgusting lip-smacking anticipation....
Meanwhile, Goldenballs and his Companions were having a quick mid- morning snifter and congratulating themselves on that shameful sideways scuttle... The Romans however, had dragged those carts all the way from Rome and were bloody well going to shoot at something if it killed them. They wheeled back into firing arc, sheltering behind the legionaries and began to patiently reload.... The rest of the Roman central command was swinging round to try and face the victorious phalanx and the Thessalians. This left a huge gap in the Roman centre. Alexander's Thracians were perfectly placed to wheel into the hole and earn their keep...but that sideways shuffling nonsense by Goldenballs had put him over 400 paces away... Lots of waving and trying to attract their attention but the Thracians
hadn't been to specsavers and just sat there in a big lump polishing their rhompia like idiots.
By now Alexander was beastly drunk and decided that he would show the Thracians show it was done, by the Gods! He and all the Companions leapt towards the massed ranks of Roman knights and cavalry while the Prodromoi darted towards the Roman Light horse. One squadron of Companions managed to charge into the Legionaries in front of carts and rode them down, preventing the ballistae from firing. But the distance between the lines of horse was such that the Romans were able to contact us first... Of the four squadrons that flanked Alexander, two were cut down by cavalry and another by the knights. The Prodromoi fared little better and were cut down by the Roman light horse and Auxilia. Alexander barely managed to avoid getting sliced up by the Roman cavalry just as the God's decreed we had run out of time and the battle was over....
So what did we learn??
1. We have just got to get us some of those magic tents that the Romans have. Just peg them out in a square and everybody seems to move the quicker for it. I'll talk to that Aristotle fellow with the big brain that's always hanging around camp mumbling about truth and beauty- he can bloody explain it because it beats the hell out of me how it works....
2. The Companions need to be kept on a very short leash and preferably out of reach of any wine bottles. Those wedge formations are fine against infantry but won't protect them from a clobbering by decent mounted or artillery. And God alone knows why they can't crush cavalry like anyone else who calls themselves a knight...
3. Prodromoi are delicate flowers and should not wander off on their own. They think they are Superior to everyone else, which leads them to do stupid things resulting a short life expectancy. Stay sober. Protect the flanks. Survive.
4. I must encourage Alexander to stay on the wagon so he isn't tempted into another suicidal charge. And keep him within shouting distance of those bloody Thracians.
Well, that's it for now. Alexander is roaring drunk again in the next tent. It appears he wants to head north to campaign against the `Ladyboys of Birmingham'. I shudder to think what the hell that is going to entail.....I'll write again when I get a chance.
Love, Parmenion.
(Apologies to Tony Dennis).
