Dear Mrs Parmenion,
Alexander, your God-King here! Greetings and all that. I hope that this letter and the accompanying box find you well. I know that dear old Parmenion was keeping you up to date our adventures. Unfortunately, he is a bit indisposed at the moment, so I though I'd take the opportunity to tell you of our glorious victory against the naked savages of the south.
Well, we'd been told that the Western Sudan was a top-notch resort for a beach holiday and a chance to catch some rays. It was a bit of a dump if you ask me. Lots of dunes on our left stretching as far as the eye could see. More dunes in front of our right wing, and some
scrubby brush on the far right flank. The centre was pretty featureless other than the gentle hill that we were standing on, desperately trying to spot the sun-loungers and the poolside bar we had been promised in the brochure.
And in front of us? Thousands upon thousands of naked black warriors. Usually when I'm on holiday and see so many large black men eyeing me up, it brings back happy memories of Hephaestion's twenty-first and the smell of baby oil.....But this? This was like some nightmare brought on by a late-night combination of Socrates'magic mushroom homebrew and that Happy-Shopper goats cheese we picked up in China. There was a huge mass of bowmen in front of us. And another on our right. And another on the left. Everywhere you looked were tall black men grasping their Tools of War. They might not be able to hit a barn door, but if they shot all their bolts at once the sun would go out and we would be suffocated by the
weight of the arrows.... In addition to mobilising the entire Sudanese nation, they had rented some barbarians on our left who were riding screaming hump-backed monsters that seemed to sail over the dunes as though they weren't there.....
Well, Craterus had gone pale and just stood there with his mouth open. I'm sorry to say that Parmenion started whining and asked to be excused. Even I wasn't sure how we'd make it through this one alive. And, of course, many of us didn't.......
I slapped Craterus and told him to put the phalanx on the hill. His Thracians were to deploy next to Parmenion's on the right of the phalanx. Parmenion's Thessalians deployed in line behind them and on the far right the Greek peltasts and the Thracian Light horse were poised to sweep the few Sudanese light troops from the brush and to turn the flank of the enemy bow. I deployed the Hypaspists in column on the left of the phalanx and the Prodromoi and light horse in line on their flank. A lone Thracian and the Greek cavalry were positioned out on the far left flank to stop those humpbacked monsters sweeping over the dunes behind us. I took my position with the Companions at a safe distance behind the front lines for pre-
match drinkies and to think of a plan. If we drove the phalanx forward with its flanks supported by the Thracians and Hypaspists we might be able to kill enough bowmen to break the Sudanese in the middle and to our right. If we could then clamber over the resulting
mountain of bodies we might be able to see Macedonia!
Next thing I know, the Sudanese ranks parted and hundreds of cattle
were herded through. At first I thought that they'd come to their senses and were offering tribute to their new god. Then we realised that they were going to stampede the bloody things straight at us. A typical shoddy barbarian trick....
The hump-backed monsters flew over the dunes and rode straight over the astonished Thracians. The Greek cavalry were a bit sharper and kept just out of reach, buying us some time to run around like headless chickens...
The stampede was heading right at me.....What the hell would Zeus do? I ordered the phalanx to advance to the foot of the hill to allow space for the column of Hypaspists to switch flanks and to support the Thracian attack on the right. The Thracians had charged towards the enemy bow as they advanced out of the dunes and into shooting range.....The sky darkened as the Sudanese `unleashed hell' and took out almost a third of the incoming Thracians who then crashed into their ranks barely making a dent. So far so disastrous....
Parmenion's command was particularly badly hit- the gaps in the ranks of the Thracians now exposing the cavalry behind them to the rain of what must have been poisoned arrows. Parmenion was desperately trying to get the Greek peltasts and Paionians to
advance on the far right and to sweep around the flank of the bow. The peltasts were refusing to budge and were cynically asking where the ham sandwiches were this time......
The rest of the Sudanese advanced behind the cattle stampede and
towards our phalanx on the hill and more importantly towards me! The column of Hypaspists, supported by the remaining Thracians, crashed into the Sudanese bowmen and began to carve their way into the black hordes. That was the weak point in their line! With the Companions, I headed towards the action, leaving the Prodromoi and light horse
to hold the left flank against the hump-backed monsters (and the stampeding cattle and the bowmen and the other bowmen....)
The Sudanese on our right were fighting like devils. Their general was sitting on his horse in front of Parmenion demanding to settle this business with a duel. Parmenion's command was exhausted and he politely declined and took shelter behind the Thessalians. The
peltasts finally emerged from the scrub and onto the enemy flank. One more heave from the Hypaspists and the Sudanese broke, streaming back through the dunes with most of Parmenion's disorganised command chasing after them....
The disciplined Hypaspists swung around onto flank of the next Sudanese command hacking and slaying, and looking particularly magnificent with their spiffy new shields! However, the Sudanese on our left had advanced their bowmen within range of the phalanx and were beginning to loose volley after volley of those poisoned arrows......
Our light horsemen retreated out of the way of the stampede and were
resting behind the gentle hill. The Greek cavalry were finally caught by the humpbacked monsters but Greek javelins brought down their front rank with ease, just as the stampeding cattle got out of hand and crashed into both the Greeks and into the monsters they were fighting....Chaos! Monsters, stampeding cattle, dead Greeks everywhere....lovely!
The Sudanese were now raining arrows on the phalanx who were acting as a shield for our mounted. And we were losing them at a fearful rate ? holes began appearing in our lines as the poisoned arrows took a horrible toll and the phalanx began to lose heart.....I desperately ordered the Companions forward to charge into the gaps created by the Hypaspists and to try and force our way through..... more pikemen were falling, but by now the Hypaspists were tearing through the lines of Sudanese. The first squadron of companions began to smash its way through ? just a few more yards and they'd be through into the rear....The Sudanese general was pleading with his gods to make it all stop- `Surely t'was the last bound' he begged in an almost incomprehensible northern dialect.
And it was........
So we are all off to Babylon for a bit of a rest- it's not easy all this Godding! But I hear that Babylon is nice and healthy in the summer, so long as you drink plenty of the local water. Anyway, back to the box accompanying this letter. Inside you will find Parmenion. He was chatting with the Greek peltasts about the catering arrangements he promised after the battle and unfortunately he fell on his dagger. Several times. And then his head came off.
And one of his legs. An unforgiving bunch the Greeks....
Toodle pip! Your ever loving God,
Alex xx
PS. Let me know if you can think of anyone who might like a (short)
career in the infantry!
(Apologies to Dave Thompson)
A few notes:
1. An enjoyable game and a very close run thing, which could have easily gone the other way. We worked out the final score at 14:11 to Alexander. DT had one command broken and a large pile of dead bowmen, while my phalanx command was only disheartened. However, had I lost one more pike element, the phalanx would have broken and the
resulting 2ME penalty would have broken Parmenion's command as well
(16ME, disheartened on 4.5, broke on 5.5. It had lost 4ME when the game ended) and hence the whole army....
2. Massed BwI are a bloody nightmare. Deployed 4 deep and at 0.5ME each they shrug off casualties and can really dish it out against mounted and light infantry. The sheer numbers cuts down any chance of manoeuvre- as did the terrain ? particularly crappy for my mounted.
3. I thought that the pike would be OK on the hill but at 4:3 or 4:2 they were sitting ducks to the bow. The Thracians fared better (the S giving a +1 if they lost) but were still vulnerable. But once in combat, the AxS inflicted a -2 when they won (usually resulting in a kill) then would follow up (to prevent shooting) and often kill the Bw in the Bow's bound (where they did not get the rear rank support but the -1 for being inferior still counted).
3. I should have kept to the plan! The phalanx should have fought the bow rather than get shot at. The Prodromoi and LhO could have handled the camels (maybe) and the Hypaspists should have stopped the stampede. The sight of 6(?) Exp heading for Alexander spooked me-
(which I guess is the point of Expendables!).
Thanks again to Gordon for organising a most enjoyable day.
D
